Feedback Rhythm and Flow: Part 2

Master the art of receiving feedback

FYI: This is a much-expanded version of my LinkedIn series on feedback with more templates, examples, and context!

The Art of Receiving Feedback

To be direct, this may be more important than giving feedback, especially if you are more senior in your career (e.g., Senior+ engineers). Mastering the art of receiving feedback can give you the highest chance of getting high-quality and actionable feedback from all peers regardless of role, level, or tenure.

It starts with our behaviors and actions.

There was a day when I received feedback, and I remember feeling like someone had stabbed me in the gut, but looking back at the feedback, it followed all the rules of giving feedback well. It was direct, with examples of how the person felt. But at the time, I took it deeply personally. But I buried that in while I squirmed a bit in my chair, I was still training up this skill but hadn't quite mastered it yet. I still can feel movements like this today, but I'm practicing being deeply curious and getting better at it!

Now imagine that you are giving feedback to someone using the template I described in our last post. The person becomes a bit defensive or tries to invalidate your experience and emotional reaction to what you observed. Or even worse, they ask you if your feedback was in retaliation and set up to make them fail (this has happened to me before).

Would you be motivated to share feedback with them again?

The first step is to understand feedback isn’t criticism; it’s an opportunity to learn.

Let’s review some best practices for eliciting and receiving them well.

How To Elicit High-Quality Feedback and Receiving It

While I use the term “feedback” in this section, recalling our last post, we always call it perspective! I have found this lowers the entry for others to share with you meaningfully.

1. Don’t assume feedback will magically show up: When I coach and mentor others, they will share with me: “I’m not getting a lot of feedback from my close partner teams.” Even in corporate cultures where feedback is front and center, folks often wait to share feedback until the regular yearly cycle or when something is busted up. If you never ask for it, don’t assume you’ll receive it

2. Ask for feedback in a way that reduces barriers: I remember in a 1:1 with one of my previous managers (Jason Chan/former CISO at Netflix), just asking him at the beginning of a 1:1 if he had any feedback for me. He was surprised and said, I work best when I can collect my thoughts and then share them with others. There is an art to asking for feedback, and these are the four steps <tagged here> I feel work best:

   1. Asking for Feedback Formula:

      

   2. Example: “<create time for reflection>Hey, we’ve been working on project X for a while, and I was thinking for our next 1:1, we could share perspectives on how our collaboration is going. <Invite vulnerability>. For example, I’ve recently been working on giving teammates more space to work through problems versus driving in, among other areas I’d love your input on. <give flexibility> I’m open to sharing perspectives in advance, in writing, or in person if you prefer. <show reciprocation> I’ll also share perspectives with you so we can continue to work better together <diffuse worries>. FYI, if I had something critical or red to share, I would have already shared it!

3. Be fully present (close your laptop, minimize distractions, show you are engaged and ready to listen): I shared feedback once with someone I’m pretty sure was responding to Slack messages when I was putting out some vulnerable and courageous feedback. It hurt. I also lost confidence that giving feedback would result in them taking me seriously. A small adjustment makes it very clear how present you are, which can reduce some hidden barriers to giving feedback.

4. Embrace curiosity instead of defensiveness: This is worth practicing. Even earlier in my career, I remember being defensive to feedback I had not seen in myself. As a result, I showed some insecurity about "not knowing everything." I continue to lean into curiosity and allow myself extra time to process difficult feedback, and if needed, I let the person know this as well!

   1. Ask questions- Asking and providing examples is a reasonable response to feedback. It shows that you are listening and want to ensure a clear understanding.

   2. Thank the person (even if you disagree) - It may have taken a lot of mental strength to share feedback with you, especially if there is a hidden or visible power dynamic.

   3. When you disagree, let the person know, but later - Giving space to process feedback is always a good idea. However, you may not agree with all feedback. If you are very senior, you may find conflicting feedback. When you disagree, it’s essential to ensure that the giver isn’t expecting specific actions or behaviors, especially if you don’t plan to do them. Make it clear, but give each other time to sit with the conversation.

5. Make Accountability your Differentiator: Have you ever given feedback to someone who agreed to make changes but didn’t follow through? In those situations, we rarely give feedback to them again because we lose confidence in their ability to act. Actioning feedback may be the biggest difference between someone who receives high-quality feedback and someone who receives low-quality or no feedback.

   1. I usually send a summary of my feedback, any actions I plan to take, and my timeline for following up. Depending on the feedback, I also share this accountability publicly (in a future post, we’ll talk about end-of-year feedback transparency and how that can build trust with others). I want to ensure people who give it to me know that I take it seriously, and when I agree with the feedback, I make sure I’m accountable.

Band Practice: Receiving Feedback

This week's band practice focuses on leveling up our art of receiving feedback. Our sheet music this week is:

1. Use the template shared above to ask two teammates, cross-functional partners, or a manager you work with for feedback.

2. Make a clear plan of accountability (captured via Slack/email) and stick to it. If you are in a more senior role, share your plan publically (e.g., your team channel).

3. Try to practice this loop at least once every few months, and then let me know if you’ve noticed an improvement in the quality and transparency of the feedback you receive.

If you are a subscriber, let me know how practice went and if there are other patterns you use for sharing perspectives that our community would benefit from!

Next week, we’ll discuss the hidden power dynamics of feedback and how to navigate them in the workplace.